


The Comprehensive Guide to Not Accidentally Being Gay

by SexTheHex



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anal Sex, Gay, Gay Sex, Gen, Guides, Oral Sex, This includes mention of how to avoid these things:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 03:51:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18307622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SexTheHex/pseuds/SexTheHex
Summary: Ever have trouble figuring out where exactly the border is between homo and no homo? This comprehensive guide is sure to help!





	The Comprehensive Guide to Not Accidentally Being Gay

**Author's Note:**

> It’s now April 1st GMT right this instant as I'm posting this. Thought I should post this completely unrelated thing.

 Sex is weird nowadays! Now more than ever before, people are exposed to sights and sensations that challenge what they thought were their firmly rooted sexuality. This is a quick guide to show you how exactly to stay straight in the face of these emotions. Follow this guide closely and you’ll never be caught doing something gay!

 

* * *

 

 **Is liking dicks gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
The human subconscious is an elaborate puzzle formed after hundred of millions of years of evolutionary molding. Ultimately, it’s easy for the mind to wander over to the opposite side of the fence and think about cock once in a while. Don’t be concerned. Everyone has these feelings on occasion.

 

 **Is looking at futanari porn gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
We as guys can tie a lot of emotion and pleasure to our cocks. It’s easy to see just how much fun someone’s having when they have an erection or they’re ejaculating. So, what better way is there to get our stupid cavemen brain going than to mix sexy women with big, juicy, outrageously gorgeous cocks?

 

 **Is being focused on the guy in porn gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
We are programmed with basic tribal instincts that sometimes cause odd behaviors. It’s natural to see another handsome, attractive male and immediately take to sizing him up. Don’t let this reaction weigh you down, especially if the guy is hung as heck.

 

 **Is having the occasional fantasy about guys gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
It’s natural for the mind to wonder. Occasionally, you might see a very handsome, androgynous guy and have them taint your masturbation sessions with a fantasy or two about fucking / getting fucked by them. There’s absolutely no shame in that, it happens on occasion. Don’t feel bad if you cum hard to the mental image of him moaning into your pillow or him holding you tight while he jizzes inside you. It’s just a fantasy, after all.

 

 **Is self inserting as the girl in porn gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
The brain craves variety, it craves stimulus. After seeing so many women in porn, it’s hard not to wonder what it's like to be them! What would it be like after all to have a beautiful body, fat tits, and a heavenly ass, all the while being a professional cock sucker? It’s normal to wonder about this stuff. Just let the thoughts come and you’ll stroke the fantasy out of yourself.

 

 **Is having an erection at the gym gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
Physical activity and sex are married close in the brain! A ton of physical stimulus can actually lead to orgasms while exercising (no joke!) So, if you find yourself with a stiffy around all those buff dudes and slim cuties, know that they all get it. You’re just enjoying your exercise and absolutely not admiring their juicy gains.

 

 **Is kissing a guy gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
It’s natural that you both will want to take some time to practice your kissing skills for when the time to be intimate finally comes. So please, lock lips, swap spit, and absolutely go to town.

 

 **Is kissing a girl gay?  
ANSWER: YES**  
I know this sounds weird, but bro, do you know where girls come from? Girls are formed whenever their mom gets knocked up. That involves semen. Semen from a cock! Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but kissing a girl is essentially kissing something that came out her dad’s penis 20+ years ago. Gross. Absolutely do not kiss girls.

 

 **Is wanting to have a fat, spankable bubble butt gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
A desire to be healthy should be celebrated, not shunned. If you want to focus on getting an enormous ass and thighs thick enough to crack melons from a shitton of squats, what’s there to discourage? We all know you’re doing it for the sake of a healthy lifestyle. The bouncy irresistable ass part to it all is just a bonus.

 

 **Is holding a girl’s hand gay?  
ANSWER: YES**  
Touching a girl’s hand is an intimate affair. It’s a sign you really and truly like each other a step above just being friends. And if a girl’s holding hands with you, that means she likes dudes. Do you really want to hold hands with someone that likes dudes? Gay guys like dudes. Do you see the correlation?

 

 **Is holding a guy’s hand gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
Is shaking hands gay? Of course not! Businessmen shake hands all the time and a large amount of them are perfectly straight. Thing of holding hands with your bro as a very long handshake. You’re just exchanging feelings for one another words could never properly express instead of closing a good deal.

 

 **Is fondling a lady’s titties gay?  
ANSWER: YES**  
I know this is disappointing to hear for a lot of you, but tits are pretty gay. You know what are in tits? Milk. Do you know what gives a lot of milk? Cows. Do you know what “milking a cow” means? It means you’re making a guy ejaculate! Absolutely avoid fondling titties at all costs. You are absolutely entirely way WAY too close to effectively jacking off two guys whenever you touch boobs.

 

 **Is pinching my swole bro’s abs gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
Your body is a temple! What is a temple without a few worshipers to come in and out of it? If that hot guy at the gym has toned his tummy down to rock hard abs, it deserves someone to check ‘em out. Get as physical as you want. Poke and squeeze and love those things! And hey, if you need to grab on to the front waistband of his gym shorts for support, go right ahead. If you pull down his pants entirely and have his juicy cock in front of you, you’ll both know it was an accident.

 

 **Is sitting in my bro’s lap gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
Rubbing your butt against your pal’s crotch and sitting on his lap involves absolutely no erotic tension at all. You both know your just friends, it's nothing more than that. You both know his erection is just from him randomly fantasizing about hot chicks. You know yours is from thinking about fucking a girl and not from feeling his warm breath tickle the back of your neck. Feel free to wiggle your ass against his bulge if you suspect him to be enjoying things unironically; it usually reminds people this activity isn’t meant to be sexual.

 

 **Is gay porn gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
It’s commonly known that a lot of lesbian porn out there isn’t exactly built for lesbians; it’s mostly for straight guys who just want to see two girls going at it without a dick in sight. If we invert this assumption, we get the doubtlessly true notion that gay porn is built for ladies that just want to see two dudes going at it. Watching gay porn is therefore not gay because you’re not the intended audience. You can watch it and stare at it and wish that huge cock was in your asshole as much as you’d like. This is porn for girls, not porn for guys. There’s no way you can like these hot dudes fucking each other if it's not even for you.

 

 **Is jerking off with my bro gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
Jerking off together is more like a competition more than anything. It’s natural for you as a fellow man to want to see how you compare to your sexual rivals. Jerking your cocks together naked on a couch to some porn is the perfect way to assess your competitors. Don’t feel like your gay if you’re hyper fixated on your best bro’s absolute cunt-buster of a cock glistening in the cool air, just a meter or so from your face. It’s natural for you to want to assess every asset of your competitor. Assessing size, smell, and taste can be valuable information.

 

 **Is a girl sucking a guy off gay?  
ANSWER: YES**  
Watch out dudes! Avoid blowjobs from hot chicks so you don’t accidentally do something gay. Girls are well known lovers of guys. They might have actually kissed one! Would you ever want a pair of lips that unironically kissed a guy sucking your dick? NO! That’d be totally gay! Of course, some ladies may claim it’s their first kiss, but it’s hard to tell. Just don’t even risk it.

 

 **Is a guy sucking another guy off gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
This seems weird at first, but you need to trust me. There’s a good explanation behind things. We’re all the same species, so that means we all had a common ancestor at some point. If you think about it like that, you and your hot bro with a huge dick that’s just begging to be drained dry are essentially just parts from the same person from a long long time ago. If you think of it like that, this is all basically an elaborate way of that ancient ancestor to jerk himself off. What’s gay about jerking off? Just listen to your body and shove your face down on that amazing dick until your chin’s tapping his balls.

 

 **Is it gay if I let just the tip in?  
ANSWER: NO**  
There’s an easy visual threshold between anal sex being gay and non-gay. If your balls are touching, it’s gay. Feel free to fuck your buddy in his tight asspussy so long as your balls don’t touch. Consider giving your friend a pair of lacey lingerie panties to pull slightly down his legs to serve as a ball barrier for this purpose.

 

 **Is dressing up like a scantily clad anime high school girl so I can tease my pals gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
There’s a lot of discussion that goes into the vast world of debating whether or not cute guys wearing cute girly clothes are gay. Ultimately, it’s what your partner sees in you that matters the most. However, ultimately, you’re trying to act like a girl. A girl hitting on a guy is totally straight. Therefore, dressing up like a girl so you can tell all those hot guys about your crushes on them is still totally straight. Just make sure to remind them you’re being ironic if they get an erection.

 

 **Is getting fucked like a total anal whore in the showers gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
Look, the gym is all about stress relief. It’s natural for guys to get hard as a rock looking at some femme dude’s ass bounce in his yoga pants while he’s on the treadmill. It’s to be expected for that total bottom bitch to be horny as can be after being in the same room as half a dozen sweaty erect cocks. Listen to your bodies, let that stress go! You all know its just stress relief. Why not have everyone congregate in the showers and frot together in line waiting on the chance to fuck that bubble butt femboy slut?

 

 **Is crossdressing and selling my fertile asshole for money gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
Money is money. If you need to get paid and that cute guy needs a ‘lady’ like you for the night, who are you to decline? It’s all just business, you both know that. Just be sure to save some and not spend all the money you make being a jizz dumpster on pretty dresses

 

 **Is letting people cum all over my face and in my mouth gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
So, for whatever non-homosexual reason, one of your bros is ejaculating on your face. There’s absolutely nothing gay about getting a face full of jizz at that point. Orgasm uses a lot of calories and wastes a fair amount of protein and water in jizz. Why not recycle it? You might as well let that stud’s potent spunk paint your whore tongue white; it’d be wasted otherwise. If you don’t think you need it all, feel free to kiss your pal ironically and give him some of his cum back.

 

 **Is nutting passionately inside a cute girl gay?  
ANSWER: YES**  
This might come as a shocker, but missionary sex for the sake of procreation is actually pretty gay. You need to remember that we’re all made of particles sharing the exact same 10 dimensional universe. You know the first three of those, height, width, and length. The fourth dimension is time, tieing you to every movement you’ll ever make as some long 4D object beyond our comprehension. The important part to this though, it that this links the moment in time that girl’s pussy is stuffed full of your cock to the eventual moment in time where you blow your load inside of her. That means effectively from a 4D perspective, you’re cumming on a dick. That’s really gay, bro.

 

 **Is nutting passionately inside your bro and making intimate ball-to-ball contact gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
This absolutely borders on being gay, doubtlessly. It’s hard not to think of homosexual intercourse between two sweaty, moaning men like you and your best bud as anything more than being absolutely as gay as possible. The trick here is for the bottom to yell “Impregnate my asspussy with your fat, hard cock!” as loud as possible. The fact of the matter is, boys can’t get pregnant. If you declare such an obviously impossible thing like asking for another man to spurt so much in your asshole you get impregnated, it’s obviously a joke. Therefore, clearly your entire act of sex is parody and can’t be judged as legitimate gay anal breeding. It’s just a prank. Yelling it loud tells everyone nearby how hilarious you all are.

 

 **I accidentally did something gay! How do I stop it before it spreads!?**  
Yell “No homo” over and over again to shout the gay out of your system. If one of your bros is a passionate, kind enough man, ask if him if he can fuck the gay out of you and fill your asshole with enough straight spunk to purge out of your body. If you end up cumming handsfree, you’d let out all the gay. If you don’t, try and follow the tips above to ensure you’re still acting appropriately straight among your friends.

 

 **Is being in denial about my sexuality gay?  
ANSWER: NO**  
It’s too cute watching you deny things. Don’t worry, you’re totally straight. Now, go have fun choking on as many cocks as possible completely confident in the fact you’re not gay. 


End file.
